“To err is human; to forgive is divine” is an oft repeated phrase (Alexander Pope, 1711). Over the centuries, humans have responded with bitterness when someone or something goes against a justified sense of right and wrong. Hearts can harden under the weight of pain. We can fall prey to holding grudges. We may blame others, or even ourselves when we are hurting physically, emotionally, or spiritually. We may even want to take revenge. In the long run, we harm ourselves. Despite our weaker nature, it is probably wiser to forgive the object of our ire, as an act of personal and collective wellbeing.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the deliberate, conscious decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you. It also involves some form of positive thoughts, feelings, and motives toward the offending person(s). You may choose to forgive even if the object of your mercy is not deserving. Forgiveness may result in greater compassion and empathy toward others, and peace of mind. This is different from but can include acts of reconciliation, with continued interaction offered freely between the offender and offended. Embraced through the eons as a virtue by those practicing religion, philosophy and by society at large, forgiveness was not formally studied until recently.
 

Impact of forgiveness

Since the 1990’s, with rise of the positive psychology movement, mental health and social scientists have been formally examining the topic of forgiveness. The bulk of findings herald the benefits of forgiving, and the detriments of holding on to resentment and blame. Offering forgiveness reduces stress, anger, depression, and situational anxiety in the one harmed. It also leads to improved psychological functioning. Those who forgive experience better overall health, with lowered blood pressure and improved cardiovascular outcomes. They also report greater social support, relationship stability and have improved marital quality.

Alternatively, continued experiences of resentment, grief, guilt, and anger can sap us of our good health. Elevated blood pressure, damaging stress hormones, and negative thinking abound with the effects of lingering anger and pain. This adds layers of misery and suffering to the original offense. While experts recommend forgiveness, it is often hard to let go of the rage against injustice.
 

Why is forgiveness so hard to achieve?

In theory, it should be simple to search your heart and mind for permission to forgive. In practice, it is not simple, for we must face many objections along the path to eventual forgiveness.  Here are some common beliefs that keep people trapped in the resentment game.

• Pushing the river. If you forgive too soon you may not allow a natural process of emotional and mental understanding to surface. We can learn from these experiences. It takes time to let the shock of the injustice sink in. Then we express understandable reactions, and accept the full impact of what happened. Don’t engage in a forgiveness bypass by avoiding the necessary but painful weight of the offenses.
• Don’t let them win. Some people are afraid that the offender will get away with the offense if forgiveness is offered. It is vital to name and honor the impact of the injuries. Too often, we try to see the offense as justified, ignored, or condoned. The fear is the offender may avoid taking responsibility for harm done.
• To forgive is to forget. Some of us falsely equate forgiveness with forgetting. If you forgive, you risk erasing the past. There would be no lasting mark or record to say an offense or harm occurred. We would deny recourse for a just response. It may mean that the injustice could be repeated, spreading more harm in the future. 
• Self-sabotage. The hardest person to forgive may be yourself. There are many ways we can stay stuck in the shame and blame game. These include holding ourselves to unrealistic standards, guilt, or thinking you can control the past, outside events, other people or outcomes.

Forgive... for you

Experts in the field suggest adopting forgiveness for our own sake, as well as the sake of others. Azim Kahmisa is well versed in finding forgiveness - despite confronting the unimaginable when his son was murdered by a teen in a gang related shooting. He writes on his website, “Forgiveness towards the offending party can be one of the toughest challenges we mortals face.” Not only did Mr. Kahmisa forgive, but he built the Tariq Khamisa Foundation, named in memory for his son, to teach forgiveness to others, especially youth. He and others suggest several steps to forgiveness.

Steps to forgiveness for wellbeing

These suggestions can happen in any order, aside from the act of forgiving, which typically comes last. You may move between steps, with partial success, and can combine steps as it suits you. These suggestions may also inspire you to find your own formula for forgiveness.

• Name the offense and express your reactions. It is vital to state, see, know, and feel the reality of the harm and its impact on you. Expressing your reactions deeply, in a safe space, allows you to let the shock wear off. You move the energy in your body and psyche so you are not locked into helplessness.
• Reflect on reasons. It may be that there is no reasonable sense as to why events happened as they did. Still, you can learn lessons when finding patterns in the events, and your reactions to them. Perhaps this event is similar to other offenses in the past. It may relate to yourself, familiar others, or possibly to those you never met. You may find hidden gems buried under the pain and trauma of attack if you have enough perspective to be curious and open. Naming your "why" can free you to find solutions.
• Rebuild Your Resources. Engage with your former or newly built strength, wisdom, truth, and support system, guiding you to brighter days. It may be fleeting at first to recognize helpful resources. However, keep searching for foundations that lead to increased clarity and peace. You may need to make significant changes in your life to establish safety. Resources will help you build what you need for the difficult next step.
• Freely Choose to Forgive. Crossing the threshold into forgiveness can only happen with free will, full consent, and a willingness to let go of getting even. It means making a deliberate choice to feel, know and act in a new way, despite the wrongdoing of the other. It signals an end to dwelling and blaming. The war inside you ceases, in favor of personal peace. Some may benefit from taking counsel with spiritual, religious, or moral guides to move into this deeply challenging place of genuine forgiveness.

More tips on forgiveness as an act of wellbeing

Not all harmful interactions require forgiveness. In some cases, forgiving someone may lead to further harm. This can happen if, for instance, it places a person in a dangerous situation in the future. In that case, other alternatives may be more useful. These may include choosing to walk away from the source of harm, without forgiving them.

• Do you have blocks to forgiveness? Read about how to remove them using energy psychology approaches in this blog.
• Is it time to reach out for help moving toward forgiveness? You can find a list of energy practitioners on ACEP’s directory to assist you.
• Are you ready to enhance forgiveness as an act for wellbeing? Consider growing your kindness quotient, by reading tips in this blog.
• You can also check out this blog from the Mayo clinic on forgiveness.

Author

Lori Chortkoff Hops, PhD, DCEP is a licensed psychologist in Westlake Village, California, USA. She is certified in Comprehensive Energy Psychology and Logosynthesis. Lori is a past ACEP president and Reiki master. Learn more about Lori at www.drlorihops.com. Lori teaches online intuition classes and consultation. Check out her podcast Healing Tips from the Heart: Helpers, Healers and Guides.